Wednesday 30 August 2017

Life without Dad

It's a cruel world we live in. People come and go some without a goodbye. They say things happen for a reason and I'm a big believer in that.
But, I sit here on the couch and watch my baby move inside my stomach and then it hits me. I mean it's been hitting me a lot lately but not this hard. I realise that my husband and I are bringing this child into the world. You might think and yes... that's a good thing isn't it? Yes it is! I am so excited! But what upsets me is the fact that nor my husband or I either have a father. We both lost our fathers when we were young children. Isn't it a crazy thought to think that two complete strangers that have fallen completely in love have had something so horrible happen to them both. I know you're thinking - you aren't the only ones. No we aren't, but it kills me.

I am bringing this baby into this world and it will never know the love of a grandad/pop - it will never know the feeling of a grandad/pop cuddle, spending quality time with their grandad/pop.

Yes, my husband and I are both blessed to still have one grandad left which I have complete faith in that those two wonderful amazing men will give our baby the love that our grandads have given and shown us all our life but - it does not dim the fact that he/she will have their own grandad/pop.

My father passed away from pancreatic cancer when I was only 13 years old. I remember my 13th birthday party like it was yesterday. I had some of my girl friends from school come over and we played dress ups all night down stairs - I remember dad sitting up in his bed so weak watching up threw his bedroom window. To this day I still cry often - wishing he was here to guide me through this world. He never got the chance to walk any of his four girls down the isle, he never got the chance to be a Pop. He was robbed from so much.

My point is that I have to afraid of losing Ben, I am scared of what would happen, how I would cope, how my children would cope. And no I shouldn't think of it but how can you not. 
Cassie xo



Tuesday 29 August 2017

Rainbow baby

A rainbow baby is a baby that comes after you have lost one or more babies previously whether it be a miscarriage or a stillborn. They say ''after every storm comes a rainbow'' and it is exactly that after you have lost a baby.

So here is my raw heart wrenching story.

At the young age of 17 (not long of turning 18) I met the man that I knew I would spend that rest of my life with but never did I think that we would go through so many curve balls in such a short time. Ben and I feel pregnant when I was 19 (again not long of being 20) we decided that we would get married before the baby came so that we could enjoy one last thing child free and of course to make other people happy. We got engaged on the 16th of December and were getting the ball rolling very fast as we were getting married on the 13th February. But, instead of being excited while planning our beautiful wedding that was going to be the best time and day of our life we were bashed with the news that the little baby i was carrying in my stomach was not growing to the full potential, not only was it not growing correctly it also had an extra chromozone. I was in and out of doctors appointments and was preparing myself for a very scary appointment in Brisbane. Now, i knew this appointment was going to be hard and that there wasn't going to be any good that come from it so i had spent days preparing myself. I had a massive needle jabbed into my stomach so that they could collect some of my fluid to test.

Sorry for any mistakes in this as my eyes are pretty cloudy and im trying to wipe the tear away while i relive every moment.

We went home and that night i received a phone call from the doctor that i had just seen in Brisbane and it wasn't good news, i could tell in his voice when he said who it was that it wasn't good, and i knew that results coming in that fast that it wasn't good. ''I am sorry Cassie but your baby is not going to last full term and even if you were to go full term that baby would not survive'' I dropped into a ball and cried.

It was 11:50pm Thursday the 11th of February and i woke up feeling like i needed to go to the toilet. I ran to the toilet as i sat on the toilet i felt something that wasn't normal, i looked down to see the toilet full of blood and at that point I just knew. I tried yelling to my Mum, i ended up having to face time her to wake her up and she come running, she woke Ben up and he rushed me to hospital. When i got to the hospital they rushed me into emergency attached so many things to me that i cant even remember all i remember is that the patched took of my fake tan that i had just gotten for my wedding on Saturday. the time was so slow, it was so painful. Monitors going crazy, ultra sounds, fluids, BP machines. They sent me up to the ward where i was going to stay the night, by this time my baby was gone. They sent Ben home and i whaled the whole night, i was having contractions they put me on morphine and it didn't even take the edge of, i was in and out of the hot shower and i spent the night staring at the old lady sleeping across from me.

The next day i went in for surgery where they would remove any excess of my baby.

I walked out of the hospital empty, i left with nothing but a hole in my heart and tears flowing down my face.

We got married on the Saturday pretending like everything was fine. A week on a honeymoon spent mourning the loss of our unborn baby.

That August I got the news I was pregnant, things didn't seem right from day dot. Vaginal loss, pains, nothing seemed right. 7 weeks later and i was back in hospital and going to walk out with nothing but a whole heap of salty tears.

I felt like a failure, I felt that my body failed not just me but my husband as well. At this point i thought that i would not be able to give my husband the baby that he wanted.

But here I am 30/8/2017 36 weeks pregnant. A massive belly and nothing but good results at every scan and every appoitment. Our rainbow baby is nearly here. Finally God has decided that its the right time and i am ready to give my husband that baby he wants. We do not know the sex, we dont have a name but what we do know is that we are so blessed to be able to be parents in four weeks time.

Cassie xo




A little about me..

Hi, My name is Cassie Robinson. I am a 21 year old, I live in a small country town that has a population of 86. My husband (Ben) and I moved here in March 2016 straight after our wedding. We live on a property out here in a massive old Queenslander that has so much history behind it.





 I work as an assistant nurse in a small hospital 65km away from where we are. However, in the last two weeks I have stopped working as I am having a baby in late September. My husband and I are going to be parents for the first time so with not working and with this massive change in my life I have decided to start writing a blog - I find so much peace in writing. 

I am hoping that I can share everything with you including the raw bits!

Cassie xo